A Hunt For Explanation

I’m sitting on my bed with my legs crossed, elbows on my thighs and my chin resting on both of my fists. I look like I am executing some well thought out posture that’ll aid my meditation and reach into some fantastic mental state of higher consciousness. I know, though, that this is not the case. This is the fifth posture that I’ve adopted in the last ten minutes and at least three of the four postures before this one made me look like a dead man. Instead of reaching any smooth state of higher consciousness, I am being continuously bombarded with sorrows and anxieties related to all that is controlled by my lower consciousness. My mind is, to an unnecessary extent, analyzing the decisions that have to be made now, those that have to be made in the near future, as well as those that I’ve made in the past that have lead me to my present circumstances. Instead of these confusions being linked to decisions about who I am as a person, who I want to be as a person, where I belong or what meaning my life is supposed to convey to me and to those around me, they are linked to petty things like how I’ll study for my upcoming exam, apply for masters, work on my final year project and look for a job in the limited time I have and along with doing all these things I have to, through some miraculous means, cherish the last months of my four year bachelors degree and have fun.

At points of high tension like this, I used to repeat a mantra in my head: “This too shall pass”. But the problem is that it has stopped working for me now. This too shall pass? What if this passes and I don’t like where I end up? It’s not like I am doing time in jail and all I’m waiting for is to somehow pass my two-year sentence. It feels like I am standing on a small mound in front of many ditches a little distance from me. The mound that I stand on is a ticking time bomb. Along with having to decide which ditch I want to jump in, I must also find out how I’ll reach the farthest ditch. There are other ditches in front of me but there, apparently, not as “good” as the ones farther away. I occasionally reach a point where I start thinking that staying on the mound I am standing on isn’t that bad of an idea. Anything would be better than the pressure of having to make the right decision. These points, thankfully, are short lived as life without any progress would be meaningless. Furthermore, it’s not like this mound is helping me fulfill any purpose. Besides, it’d be extremely foolish of me to stand on a bloody time bomb.

Maybe I should reject thinking about decisions related to my lower consciousness for a while. I can forego the animal part of my instincts as the typical anxieties related to survival are, thankfully, being satisfied today, they will be satisfied tomorrow and the day after that. I will have food, I will have shelter and I have safety.

Time to change my posture.

Now my mind is clear enough to think about a question or two that’ll give me a more proper satisfaction than what I would have derived from wracking my brain over problems that I seemingly have very little control over. I can try deciding what the meaning of my life is. But do I really have enough control over myself and what happens to me that’ll help me decide? Many people believe they do have such control. They believe that life is what you make of it and that an individual’s mind is capable of doing anything in the world. I find it a little difficult to be coherent with this thought process as I believe there are too many external forces in play that must be taken into account. So maybe I have to look for my purpose not only within me but also outside, around me. Instead of deciding on what my purpose is, I can try to find it. It’s out there somewhere and it exists, or else I would not have existed. When I think about the past, I do have this feeling that I found meaning for my life on more than one occasions. Most of them didn’t even last for a day, many changed after a few weeks and even the ones I thought would remain with me permanently, lasted for a year or two max. Many are forgotten, some turn out to be outright wrong and most soon become irrelevant. Each meaning, however, was very true the moment it was discovered and felt very real until it was changed or forgotten. They served their purpose for that specific time and left me when they did not remain useful, but they made me who I am now, and I have to respect them for that.

Many of our professors, when they give us an assignment in which we have to write a report on a certain topic, told us to write the introduction of that report in the end. An introduction is something that is supposed to have its place in the beginning, in any context thinkable. However, it is not to be forgotten that the introduction should give a synopsis of what is to be expected from the report, what it tries to explain and what meaning it has that forces it to be created and to exist. A true introduction can only be written when the rest of the report is done. If it is written in the beginning, it’ll have to be continuously changed as the body of the report will continuously lose intended meanings and make new ones. Life works in a similar fashion. It is a continuous process of finding meanings. It is probably impossible for me to find my one and true purpose in life that I can expect to remain with me till the end. Instead, I will find out what the purpose of my life was once I have lived it. I will understand each opportunity that I was offered and what I did with it.

Not a bad train of thought but I’m still where I was two postures ago. I just have to wait till the end of my life and I’ll know everything. For now, at this tiny moment in time, I welcome back my anxieties. I do not know what I would do without them.

Time to change my posture again.